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Too Many Decisions

I came back to KL slightly more than half year ago. My thoughts were very simple at that time. I just want to get a job in Java development while waiting or attempting to get my Australia PR which I don’t know when I will get it. At that time, I plan to stay here for a year or two to settle my personal matters plus it will be better if I work in a company for a year or two to save some money to continue my dreams.

Unfortunately, things didn’t go as expected. At the current moment, I wish to execute my plan to return to Australia sooner than what I planned before this. Sometimes, the feelings are very confusing. This is the place where I was born and I just spent 2 years in Australia but I started to feel unwelcome here and even though nobody telling me directly but it makes me feel that other people are indirectly telling me to return to Australia as the environment there is more suitable for me compared to here.

Since I came back to KL, there were so many things happened unexpectedly or whether I should put it as a good timing. In just less than half year, I attended two funerals of my close relatives and one cousin’s wedding. It was really a devastating week when the wedding was held one week after the funeral. According to the Chinese belief, we won’t be celebrating any festivals during this one-year mourning period even next year’s Chinese New Year.

As for career, I started to apply for a job in February and I only got my first offer in June. I thought of staying in the company for more than one year but unfortunately, it’s just lasted for 3 months because I don’t want to stay for another 2 months after the probation period. The company is the worst I ever joined in my life or even compared to any bad companies that I heard from others. It’s a local company which doesn’t have stable financial status, poor management and also a lot of hidden agenda. I felt very struggling when I worked with them and I really don’t want to feel worry about my pay every month. So, since February until now, I went for different interviews and took various of technical tests. To be honest, I really feel exhausted with those tests. I don’t get it when people always have higher expectations on me or I should say this year is really my bad luck year. Some people can get a job even they didn’t do well in the technical test but it seems people always expecting me to have full scores in the test and in KL, most of the companies usually look into qualifications, experience or technical test. Passion is rarely in their list. At the same time, some people analysed to me that I’m probably over qualified to apply certain jobs in KL or the internal staff feel I might probably an arrogant person or a threat if I join the company. Why their thinking can be that complicated or I’m just too simple? I just want to get a job and that’s all. Few weeks ago, I got an interview from a very good company. When I went to their office for the second interview, I feel so comfortable and it reminds me of my ex-company in Sydney. The bad thing is few days before the technical test, I had a serious flu and I was sick for a few days. I didn’t have much time to prepare for it and in the end, I didn’t do well in the test. I just accept it as a fate. I started to ask myself. Am I only acceptable in bad companies like my ex-company? Does it means I never ever got chosen by good companies? Most of the technical tests that I went through, I’m really curious to know how many of those questions are being implemented by the company itself or it’s just to test the candidates. Most of the questions are very rare case and there was one company required the answers in their language format. Since I’m not a fast learner, this is definitely a disadvantage for me to learn the language on the spot and answering the questions at the same time. Sometimes, I have a weird thinking. If I knew there are so many technical tests in IT field to prove my capability and knowledge, I should study in different field which doesn’t need to go through this kind of test. To be honest, I never feel tired of technical test before this as I know this is part of the interview process in IT until now. I don’t know whether I should describe my current feeling is scare or numb about it.

Sometimes, I just want to become a freelancer and give up of getting a permanent job. I feel if there are nobody trusts my capability or willing to give me a chance, then, I should give the chance to prove myself. I don’t need to go through those technical tests to prove to them who I am as I know myself better. In fact, I almost finished designing a website last week using Twitter Bootstrap which I just learned last week as well. I heard about Twitter Bootstrap when I worked in my ex-company but I never got the chance to involve in it. Maybe my interest is no longer in application development but more to web design? I have no idea. Until now, I don’t have a concrete answer about what I actually want to do and I don’t know whether I should continue to apply for a permanent job but to be honest, freelancer is my dream for so many years. Since I’m a homely person and likes freedom in my work, this might be the job for me but I feel a bit worry for the financial part. I know it will be more stable if I work in both permanent job and freelance work but I might not be able to handle both at the same time.

Or maybe I should work as a freelancer until I move back to Australia rather than working in another company for a few months. Even if I move back to Australia, I need to have certain amount of money as I know I won’t be able to get a job that soon at there. Maybe I really should have a clearer mind and work out a better plan in an organised way.

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